Any men reading this may, once again, want to avert their eyes. If not, well…

I recently read an article that stated, “The thong is dead.” Evidently, women are falling in love with bigger backsides and wearing a thong just doesn’t “fit” the image anymore. Good news on all counts!

I wore a thong once. Years ago, at least 10 of them, my then teenage daughters convinced me that I should try one. “Mom, you still have a good shape. You should wear one. You’d love it!” I could tell the things were uncomfortable just by looking at them. Still I was intrigued, not so much with the thought of wearing one, as much as the challenge of folding one coming out of the laundry. This and flattery got the best of me and I bought one.

I was working as a realtor at the time. Being small of stature does, at times, cause one’s panties to sometimes bunch when sliding in and out of the car; which made me think, “Maybe this won’t be such a bad idea after all!” And so, one day, I wore it. It took a few minutes to work out exactly how to wear it, but I figured it out and was soon on my way.

This picture of barbed wire seems most appropriate to how my day would “feel,” but I didn’t know that then.

At the time I was showing property to college kids looking to buy a condo or a house. I would pick them up at Friendlys, there used to be one across the street from the college, and drop them off, usually enjoying a snack with them, a few hours later. Looking back, this was probably cause for the Friendly’s workers to allow their imaginations to go on a rampage, but they were very ‘friendly’ and never said anything, at least not to my face.

I was showing property to a very tall young man who had to fold himself in half to fit in my car. I told him he could push the seat back. He assured me he had. His knees were up under his chin. It was destined to be an uncomfortable day for us both.

We had a long list of properties to see which meant a lot of getting in and out of the car. He banged his head a few times. I was wiggling in my seat and becoming more uncomfortable by the minute. It was pretty awful. I love my daughters, but spent most of my time trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong in raising them. How could they possibly think these things were a good idea? Vanity? Youth? Whatever it was, I wanted nothing to do with it. I couldn’t wait to get home and allow myself the luxury of full coverage underwear. This had been the single most uncomfortable day of my life and I’d lived long enough to have had quite a few others.

Upon my arrival home, I raced in the house and flew up the steps to my room. I locked the door and changed into my favorite full coverage, old lady undies and my jammies. Sweet relief! Then I noticed something unusual. The tag to my thong which should have been an M looked more like an E. I don’t know how, but I had just managed to spend an entire day of my life with my underwear on sideways.

Hysterical laughter aside, it still didn’t change my feelings. I would never wear another. As far as the laundry challenge, some things are just better left unfolded because, honestly, they are just not that big a deal…

The beautiful picture is complements of my brother, Paul Sicurello. This one and others, just as lovely, can be found on his website nuhorizondesign.com.